Missing my Krista.

My daughter has been in AZ since Tuesday with her friend.  Today I sent her this over Facebook Messaging.  I love her more than she will ever know:   Dear Krista:
I vow to give you positive attention more often than negative, to listen to you and not judge, to provide enough structure for you to understand expectations while honoring your freedom.

I will not blame or shame you. I love you. Forever. No matter what.

"safe in the suburbs"

In a world where perfection is prized, mediocrity does not jive, I long to just survive.  I find myself in a bind.  I long for a "sex in the city" lifestyle of writing a weekly column for major publications yet I live the "safe in the suburbs" work-a-day momwife life.  Some of my writer friends have stopped living the rat race - they no longer punch a time clock. They own their own firms etc.  I know it is not any easier than this 9-5 life I lead now but the independence is something I crave. 

Letting Go

The essence of “letting go” is non judgement.  There are dozens upon dozens of other characteristics needed to truly let go in your life.  But the underlying skill that you must master is the skill of nonjudgement.  You judge in your mind.  You judge with your words.  You judge with your eyes.  You judge with your work.  When letting go, you accept others in your life with love, kindness and non judgement.  You appreciate their presence, their moods, their jokes and their reason for being.  There is a reason.  They are to teach you things about yourself you don’t already know.  They don’t know why they are in your life or what they are supposed to teach you either. Let go of needing to know so the learning can begin.  

Unconditional Alan

Tonight as I left Alan's room with a quick hug and a hand grab, I barely looked back to see him wave goodbye as I passed through the doorway. Then, suddenly, after I had taken 10 steps out into the hallway, something made me turn around and go back into his room. I walked toward him. He gave me a puzzled look. I put my arms around him, laid my head on his right shoulder, placed my right hand on his left shoulder and held him. Quietly. I said nothing. I just held him for at least two minutes. “I love you buddy,” I finally said as I pulled away to return home to my family. I love you buddy. Unconditionally. Without waves or scratches in mirrors. I just love you.

The mirror friends

It has been nearly 9 weeks since my 42 year old brother had a massive stroke. My relationship with my parents is in turmoil because of their judgements upon me in connection to the situation.

My friend and I have this thing: we talk about being mirror friends. We say, "tell me honestly what you see when you look at me. As I look into your eyes, the way I look deeply into my own eyes in a mirror, tell me what is joyful, graceful and real. Tell me what is angry, judgemental and fake. Call me on my shit. I’m open to it." I can be open to what my friend has to say. Why? Because the observations he makes comes from a place of love WITHOUT JUDGEMENT. The mirror a person holds up, if it is to help me change my behavior, must not be wavy, stretchy, or skewed. It must be a pure reflection of unconditional love. The mirror must be free from scratches filled with pain. The looking glass can not have smears of past hurts and blames. The reflection must not stretch me tall, squash me flat, puff me fat or make me dizzy with wavy guilt-ridden issues. I AM enough. I KNOW I am enough. My true friends see that and guide me on my journey to constant self improvement with consolidated love. When my parents can see that about me too - and perhaps when I can see it about them - much healing will commence.

No job? No judge!

This morning my son was racing around the house late for school while looking for his shoes and he yelled at himself. “Why can’t I just learn to leave my shoes in a logical place?” He left them INSIDE the TV cabinet. I laughed out loud and smiled because I could not have said it better myself. I poured another cup of coffee and put my own shoes on to drive him to school. We live three blocks away from his school so why do you ask would I drive him? Because I worked outside my home, earning a decent but not lucrative wage, his whole life and I was laid off in September. For 12 weeks now, as I look for work, apply for unemployment and try to navigate the maze of “job hunting tips and tricks” I pause. Every morning, I drive him to school because I CAN! Don’t judge me for wasting gas – some wonderful conversations with my son happen in those magic three minutes in the car. This morning he asked "why are people homelessness mom?" Be happy and healthy exactly where you are. If you are missing something in your life, add a little of it in. If you have too much of something else, cut it out bit by bit. Be deliberate. Be intentional. Be there for your kids wherever and whenever you can sneak in a moment or two. They will remember the little things you do daily more than you know.

Land on something!

On the way home, John and I talked for the first half of the trip and then I pulled out Mac (my dreamy, sleek, shiny friend who holds all my innermost secrets). I started transcribing ideas from a leather notebook - a gift from my dear friend Ursula. The writing flowed easily on our way home from Iowa. What, I ask, is my legacy? The obvious is my children. The other obvious is my integrity. The not so obvious is my passion – which passion? Choose one for god's sake. Land on something. Take it seriously. Take it to heart. Move toward it. Think about it. Dream about it. Text about it. Email about it. Read about it. Search the web for it. Believe in it. Love it. Talk about it. Write about it. Be it. But, pick something. One thing. So the universe can KNOW, without a doubt, that IT is what I want to manifest!! There is a song from "Wicked" called For Good. The line that strikes me most powerfully is "you'll be with me like a hand print on my heart." I have had this photo hanging in my home for over 15 years. I can almost feel her heartbeat moving me closer to my calling. Thank you..friends..who have been with me through it all. You are like a hand on my heart.